Tired

Steven woke up around midnight last night and could not fall back asleep without someone snuggling with him. We are trying to get him to sleep on his own and to stay asleep all night long. It is like having a newborn baby again. When he calls for you in the middle of the night and is crying and you want to go to him but know that for his benefit you shouldn't. He ended up being wide awake and I became frustrated with his kicking his bed and trying to wake his brother up. I think it was trying to punish us for not doing what he wants but who knows. I ended up whisper yelling at him (don't want to wake up brothers) and as he sat there sobbing I calmed down and tried to explain to him why we were doing this. At 12:45...in the morning...or night....whichever - it was dark and I was tired. Turned out that his weighted blanket was not on him and he sleeps better with that. I gave him big puppy, tucked him in with his blanket, weighed blanket, and a large lion pillow pet and he ended up falling back to sleep on his own. Hopefully tonight goes better.

Pictures

Autism

Since Steven was in Kindergarten I have heard from teachers that he has aspergers. We have been through the educational tests and he does not qualify for an education diagnoses. As a mother I want my son to get the help he needs, I want the best for him, and I want to understand him. From what I understand of this whole thing, if he is autistic then he will eventually get behind educationally. His peers will move forward, he will be stuck behind a brick wall, unable to move forward. His pediatrician has referred him to a developmental pediatrician in Casper, WY to help further tests on my bear. We had our first appointment this last week. After half an hour in to our appointment, she tells me that from his greeting and the level of anxiety she saw on him when she walked in to a room she would say that he has either aspergers or PDD-NOS(Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified). I knew this but to not have to convince someone was nice. I did not have to point anything out to her, or give her stories to prove my theory, she got it right upon meeting him. Granted she has 30+ years of experience, but she GOT him. As any mother who has gone through the tests for autism know, the paperwork and tests are endless and extensive. My hand hurts from filling in the circles and there have been many arguments between my husband and I over what we felt was the right answer. ADHD is taking a back seat to his Autism but he also has that. Can you imagine the conflicting emotions inside of me? Happiness that my son will finally get the help he needs, I will finally be able to get help I need to help him, or sadness that my son is on the spectrum. When he was born I wanted a life for him that was full of joy, friends, love, and endless possibilities. His life is full, but it is an internal life he leads. Externally he has love, joy in his own world, friends (when he wants someone to listen to his obsessions), and me. Forever and ever, he has me.

The last video of what Steven does when friends are over.

First days of school

Taking Steven to school is a blessing sometimes. He gets the structure that he craves and I get a mental and emotional break from parenting him. However when you work at the same school that he attends it can be hard. Like the time that special ed para came up to me to ask me to ask my son to button his pants. She would do it but she did not want to embarrass him. I told her to go ahead and ask him to. She wanted to know if he would do as she asked. I told her "no, but you can still ask him to". I am not going to jump in and be his mom at school as well. He needs to learn to follow directions from others as well. Or the other time that he is sucking on his shirt (to the point it is soaking wet all the way to his belly button) and some little girl freaks out on him because he slobbered on his shirt and came over to her. Or when no one wants to sit next to him at lunch, or he is spinning in circles on the playground instead of playing with friends.

For the most part it has not been a bad school year. His teacher gets him, there is not much more I can ask for from her. She lets him roam when he needs to and knows that he is listening and can repeat back what she has said, or answer the question she has asked. She lets him chew gum in class to help keep him from sucking on his shirt, chewing on his pencil, or to help him stay on task/focused.

We just lose him sometimes. His tantrums are getting worse and there are many a days that I have cried because I am at a loss as to what I need to do to help my son.